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Bog-brained Irishman gives Deltic the lead

Sporting Iceni 1-2 Deltic FC
Written by Andy Stanton

"Ha ha ha. It really was something" chuckled Collier as he stroked a small white cat soon after the game.

Huge-eyed striker Joey Millar grabbed the headlines today as his stunning chipped finish brought Deltic FC back into contention against an injury plagued Para Rangers side. Following a moment of madness at the back in which Paras had stolen an unlikely opener, Millar's strike set the course for an inspiring comeback which was completed when James Price rounded the keeper minutes later. In a workmanlike performance, the Pinks saw the game out without incident, with Para Rangers unable to turn their amazing good looks into goals.

Deltic arrived at Hewett Stadium with a huge 14 man squad and fans, in clear defiance of the critics who claim their players are not committed to the team. Meanwhile Para Rangers were able to field just nine of their usual squad players - in a display which demonstrated why Deltic are known as the gentlemen of sunday league football, Will Denton volunteered to play for the other side. Just minutes after kick-off Paras had their opener, with nippy striker "The Gnat" splitting the defence and causing Kesh to fall over, before finishing low to Tom's right.

However, Deltic did not lose heart, and were easily able to control possession in the centre of the field. After a typically awful goal kick from Paras, Collier rose like a salmon-like phoenix from the ashes mixed with a jack-in-the-box, and when Price jumped for a delicate flick on, Millar was left one on one with the keeper, finishing with a deft chip which floated over his head and nestling in the top right corner. Shortly afterwards, James found himself unmarked in the box and rounded the keeper for the simplest of finishes.

Not much happened for the rest of the game. Jimmy "the Patrolman" Willer, in a typically understated performance, was able to touch the ball just once in his 90 minutes of play, but was heard shouting "GET BACK BOYS! YOU'RE WALKING!" while strolling around the centre circle. Meanwhile Collier was, as ever, putting himself about, and managed to injure himself when he attempted a career-ending challenge on [kudos to] ferg. Tristan looked on aghast - Abdellah Hmamouche was heard to comment "such a beautiful man should not have to witness such ugly, mindless violence".
Deltic were gifted a penalty in the 68th minute when the Para's striker carelessly grabbed Kesh by the waist and wrestled him to the ground in a thrilling preview of tonight's Royal Rumble. However Hmamouche was unable to convert, firing marginally wide to the chagrin of the packed home ground.

Scraf didn't help by playing for the other team.

Deltic 2 - 1 Paras
MOTM: Ferg (kudos)
Dick of the Day: Abdellah Thami Hmamouche

Dynamo Iceni 4-1 Deltic FC
Written by Matt Scrafton.

Deltic returned to league action this morning for their first fixture since their return from the winter break, a period most players evidently spent eating too much turkey and drinking one beer too many. And it showed, as top-of-the-leage Dynamo routed Deltic in a scintillating first-half display that put the match to bed before the visitors had even woken up, and finally emerging victorious by four goals-to-one.

However, despite the scoreline things could have been much different. Deltic dominated proceedings in the second period and had more than enough opportunities to not only reduce arrears, but on another day could have even got back on level terms. A spirited display is no more than just a consolation for Deltic and their player-manager Andy Stanton, but they can now go into their upcoming fixtures with the knowledge that they matched the runaway league leaders for large parts of the game.

As I have already alluded to, Dynamo were comfortably the better side in the opening period and ruthlessly dispatched any chances that came their way. Their lone striker - bizarrely wearing the number 45 - dominated a clearly dazzled Deltic defence, and not only held the ball up effectively, but produced four sublime finishes to kill off the away side. 'Keeper Welsh Tom was given no chance with any of his finishes, as the Deltic defence was at sixes and sevens.

However, a team who have won 12 games from their 14 matches are not entirely reliant on one man. The two central midfielders were excellent on the ball, and number 6 dropped into the space in-between the defence and midfield and punished the visitors with his instinctive passing for failing to pick him up.

Yet saying that, it was only a 20 minute period that Iceni dominated. Deltic began to grow into the game and put the Iceni defence under more and more pressure, and chances began to come their way as the hosts lost their grip on the game.

But it wasn't until the second half, after some harsh words were said at the interval, that Deltic really stamped their authority on the game. After a change in tactics and personnel, White Lightning abandoned their long ball approach and put some good passing moves together, something that the league leaders struggled to deal with.

Harrison Page ran tirelessly up top along with his partner Charlie Collier, who surely must have won every header that he challenged for. As the majority of the game was now being played in the Iceni half, several crosses were floated into the area, putting their somewhat indecisive 'keeper under plenty of pressure. And when Iceni burst into the opposing half for one of their bursting counter-attack's, Tom produced a trio of top saves to stop Iceni running away with the game.

The goal did eventually come for Deltic, and it probably couldn't have been any more bizarre. A simple pass-back was sent to the Iceni 'keeper, who dawdled with the ball and instead of giving it simple to either of his defenders beside him, he instead chose to send it long. What in fact happened, was that the ball ricocheted off Harrison, who had stormed down the pitch to pressurise the long punt. Comically, the ball looped over his head and nestled into the net.

As goals tend to do, it gave even more momentum to the student side. Deltic now piled more and more pressure in a final 20 minute spell that could have seen them forge their way back into the game. They certainly had the chances, as Matt Scrafton found himself only a few yeards off the goal-line on a couple of occasions after hectic goal-mouth scrambles, only to see his efforts cleared off the line. Harrison also had a great chance to add to his own personal tally, when a long diagonal ball from Scrafton was well controled, but ended in the goalkeeper's hands when the goal was at his mercy.

With a game in hand, Deltic now sit in a disappointing 5th place in the table (out of 7 teams), a position obviously affected by a number of forfeited games. Nevertheless, they now have the perfect chance to rise up the table as they come up against bottom-of-the-table Sporting Iceni next week, a side who have only picked up 4 points this season.

Goalscorer: Harrison Page

Man of the Match: Tom Pughsley/Charlie Collier

Dick of the day: Harrison Page, for his tame pass into the keeper's hands when sent through on goal.

Deltic FC 3-0 Sporting Iceni
Written by Matt Scrafton.

Deltic produced a commanding performance this morning to see off the challenge from bottom-of-the-table Sporting Iceni. The away side - who have yet to win this season - were no match for the black and pinks who recorded their third win in four games.

After a Remembrance Day two-minute silence was impeccably observed by both sides, the game got underway with Deltic piling on the early pressure - as Iceni struggled to deal with a number of long throw-in's and corner kicks into their box. Whilst offensively, Iceni were nice and tidy in the midfield area, but failed to genuinely threaten the Deltic defence.

And it was the hosts who took the lead halfway through the opening period, as Iceni failed to deal with yet another corner. Winger Will Denton swung in from the right, and Kesh Menon glanced in after the cross had been flicked on towards him. Harrison Page and Andy Stanton also came close to extending the lead when sent through clear on goal, but the visiting 'keeper was equal to their efforts on both occasions.

Iceni had their first genuine chance when their striker missed a glaring opportunity to draw his side level, firing wide from close range when a cross had been neatly squared to him. But the chance was squandered and the half-time whistle soon followed, as the home side went in deservedly ahead.

Iceni came out and played with a real purpose in the opening stages of the second half, as the Deltic defence retreated closer and closer to their own goal, struggling to keep the ball and coming under consistent pressure for 10 minutes. Deltic held out though, thanks to the sturdy partnership of Kesh and Sam Morrison, who were back in the side after last week's absence. Their presence was notable, and Iceni's long balls and attempted through-balls were kept out with consumate ease.

As Iceni struggled to break down the stubborn home side, the hosts had a number of counter-attacks that split open the visitor's defence. And the all-important second goal came after good work down Deltic's right side; resulting in James Price squaring for Harrison Page to score the easiest goal he's ever likely to score.

The stuffing was now completely knocked out of Iceni, and Deltic turned on the style and played with a new-found freedom that resulted in a number of goalscoring opportunities. The confidence was now visible to see, and gaps were appearing all over the field for Deltic to take advantage of.

And White Lightning killed any hopes Iceni might have had for a potential comeback when Folder neatly finished off a sublime move from the home side. Man-of-the-match Will skipped past defender after defender, then unselfishly laying the ball off to Folder, who weaved in and out of two defenders and slid the ball home for Deltic's third.

Folder then came stunningly close to adding another goal to his tally, after teeing himself up to volley a driven shot narrowly over the bar. This was virtually the last action of the game, as Deltic cruised to a morale-boosting win, helping themselves to a solid clean sheet in the process.

Despite this weeks encouraging performance from Deltic, they'll have to be on their top form next week to beat top-of-the-table Dynamo, who boast a 100% record after nine games of the season have been played.

Goalscorers: Kesh Menon, Harrison Page, James Price.

Man of the Match: Will Denton.

Dick of the day: Opposition striker, missing an open goal after the ball bobbled up in front of him.

Gaga's FC 6-2 Deltic FC
Sunday 6th November
Written by Matt Scrafton.

Deltic FC fell to 4th position in the league table after enduring a crushing defeat this morning in a heated 90 minutes of football against Gaga's.

The first half was actually quite boring in terms of the football, so instead I'll focus on all the fighting and shit.

The game cascaded into controversy almost immediately after stand-in centre-back Andy Stanton dared to jump up for a header with their striker. A few "choice words" were exchanged, and when the clearly angered striker had calmed down, the handbags were placed back in the cupboard.

However, the drama didn't end there. During Charlie Collier's post-match interview, he was quoted as saying "it's funny when someone threatens to stab you within the first 30 seconds". The matter is currently being investigated by someone, duno' who, so we've been gagged from making any potentially imflammatory comments. Actually fuck that, it was all their fault.

Gaga's delightfully polite right-winger also thought it neccessary to fly into a "challenge" with Collier with both of his feet raised off the floor. Despite calls for a red card, the referee was content with his decision to award a free-kick to the away side.

Despite early possession being dominated by the Gaga midfield, they were wasteful in front of goal, albeit two opportunities were smashed against the Deltic crossbar. Deltic had their own opportunities too, as the hosts were susceptible to the long ball behind the defence, which striker Alex Dray was only too happy to run on to.

However, Dray somehow missed a glorious chance to open the scoring when sent through one-on-one; casually passing the ball to the 'keeper, who happened to be sprawled on the floor in the middle of his goal. Thankfully for the black and pinks, he wasn't so wasteful next time; as he executed an exquisite lob over the 'keeper and into the back of the unguarded net to give Deltic the lead, which they protected until half-time.

Deltic's bouyancy was destroyed almost immediately after the second-half had got underway. The aformentioned Gaga right-winger got in behind the Deltic defence, and his cross fluked it's way into the net at the near post. The celebrations were muted though, as the players soon realised that White Lightning defender Pete Taylor lay stricken on the floor in agony thanks to his dislocated shoulder. Not to worry, Pete gave it a couple of smacks and re-assured the gasping crowd that "it's fine, it's happened two or three times before". Consequently, after a short break and a check with some random paramedic, Pete took back to the pitch and played out the final half an hour of the game. Bravo Pete, bravo.

We won't go into what happened after that, but as you can probably tell from the scoreline the second half didn't exactly go to plan for the shell-shocked visitors. Skipper Collier pulled back another goal for Deltic to restore some pride, after his 25 yard curling effort nestled in the bottom corner. Some of the home players suggested the shot deflected past the 'keeper, but as we all know their word can't be trusted, and the goal was rightly awarded to the Deltic midfielder. The game fizzled out from here on, while the home side failed to understand the simple law of offside. Not that it mattered too much, as the points were already their's.

Many leading pundits attributed Deltic's second half collapse to a noticeable lack of jaffa-cakes, but for now that remains pure speculation. What is for sure, is that had Deltic fielded their strongest XI out there today, it would be the black and pinks sitting in 2nd place right now, not the cheating Lady Gaga's.

Goalscorers: Alex Dray & Charlie Collier

Man of the Match: Peter Taylor, showed extreme courage to play on with his injured shoulder. Nothing phases this lad.

Dick of the day: The two angry Gaga players.

Red Lion 1-4 Deltic FC
Sunday 30th October 2011
Written by Matt Scrafton.

Deltic FC comprehensively beat second-from-bottom Red Lion 4-1 at the City of Norwich school this morning, moving the black and pinks up to 3rd in the table.

With the luxury of having substitutes for the first time this season, and the players looking surprisingly fresh - Andy Stanton's men provided a sturdy defensive performance Tony Pulis would have been proud of, whilst the utter ruthlessness at the other end of the pitch wouldn't have looked out of place at Old Trafford last weekend in the Manchester derby.

However, Red Lion were the side to force the early pressure, with a series of neat moves and slick passing emanating from their number 18. However, their control of possession was ultimately fruitless, and Welsh Tom's goal was rarely seriously threatened, despite a few Rory Delap/James Price-esque long throw in's that provided the odd scare for Deltic.

However, White Lightning (we'll never let the name go) were a constant threat on the counter and came close to notching the first goal of the afternoon on a number of occasions. The moment finally came when a corner was swung in from the left, and Alex Dray converted from close range after Charlie Collier's mazy run and shot was parried by the 'keeper into the wingers' path. Deltic came under the cosh towards the end of the half as Red Lion tried to get back on level terms, and the visitors were left hanging on. Finally the goal came, but it wasn't for the home side. Deltic doubled their lead after yet another dangerous corner from Will Denton, leaving centre-back Sam Morrison to bundle the ball into the net from within the six-yard box.

After a half-time chat and Tom's weekly offering of jaffa cakes, the sides took back to the field for the second period, with Harrison Page and Alex Dray coming off for Pete Taylor and James Russell.

Unfortunately for Deltic, Red Lion managed to pull one back shortly after the half had restarted. A long throw was met by Red Lion's striker, who muscled his way into the six-yard box, only to see his close range shot cleared off the line by defender Matt Scrafton. The clearance fell straight to a Red Lion player however, and he slotted in with ease.

Nonetheless, Deltic never panicked and despite the momentum shifting to the home side, they held out well thanks to a solid backline and a tireless midfield. And the strikers did their job too, after a hopeful ball was played into the channel for Charlie Collier to run onto, it looked as if the Red Lion defender would get their first, or the ball would run out of play. But what happened next typified what Deltic FC are all about. Leading from the front as skipper, Collier sprinted to chase down the ball and somehow scooped his leg around to set up a perfect cross for James Price, who dispatched the ball into the bottom corner with venomous aplomb.

After this latest blow, the confidence seaped out of the Red Lion players and they completely lost their shape. Deltic played with a freedom from here on, and chances came virtually after every attack. Alex Dray returned to the pitch to replace the injured James Russell, and added to his tally after showing an impressive turn of pace, managing to shrug off the defender (despite being 2 foot smaller) and drove the ball across the 'keeper in the corner of the net.

Deltic really turned on the style after going three goals ahead; Collier scissor kicked a volley just wide, Price smashed narrowly over from outside of the box, and Kesh attempted an 60 yard shot, as you do.

The final whistle blew and Deltic won their second game in a row. Confidence is at an all-time high and team morale couldn't be better (que team social?). As long as the squad stays together and everyone turns up most weeks, it's difficult to see Deltic losing many more games this season.

Goalscorers: Alex Dray x2, James Price & Sam Morrison

Attendance: 2 (sponsor and his enthusiastic son)

Man of the Match: Sam Morrison

Dick of the day: Can't think of anyone worthy, but nominations are always welcome.